I went to a support group for domestic violence victims for the first time in years. As i sit down i feel completely and utterly out of place. The other women started to share their experiences one by one. And as it nears my turn i can feel my heart wrenching, tears start to well in my eyes and i fight every few minutes to conceal the pain. I start to wonder how on earth can i even muster the courage or the strength to share the experience or even the pain that i let myself endure over the past year. Then i start to feel as though the room was getting smaller and smaller and my breathe just a little more shallow. My heart starting beating so loud that i could swear it would pummel its way right out of my chest. Now more than ever, even as i sit there surrounded by so many, i feel alone, weak, and pathetic. I realized just then that i really don’t have anyone i can turn to and no shoulder to cry upon. I isolated myself for to long. I look across the table and realize this young girl, probably in her early twenties, with these big brown eyes, is staring at me with such curiosity. The mediator then calls upon me to share with the group. I feel my eyes widen in fear and as i go to respond nothing comes out. The room is now quiet and everything slows. I feel like I’ve been frozen in time. Even though it felt prolonged, the silence was finally broken when the mediator chimed in and explained i could pass on my turn. Unknowingly holding my breathe, I felt myself exhale a little as i shook my head to agree. Before i knew it an hour and a half had come and gone. There were atleast twenty women there and all of them shared their stories. I tried to listen attentively to them and feel empathetic. It proved extremely difficult. I felt sick to my stomach and selfish. There are other people who have it worse yet I can’t even get out of my own head to immerse myself into the group. On my way out i then realized that i wasn’t ready to share with a group but rather needed and preferred to speak to someone one on one.
Not only do i have to deal with the aftermath of pain and resentment of the relationship but i now needed to figure out how to deal with him lying about me. He has countlessly lied about me being the problem, putting me down, and making me feel worthless and most of all unwanted. He’s turned his family against me and had yet again jumped back into sleeping with those two sluts as well as countless male orgies and tranny obsessions. I had no idea that this man had a secret life. I am completely disgusted and i cannot even look at him the same anymore. Every time we were together he claimed he wanted the family life and he led me to believe we were going to start a life together. Then he would leave every two months. I feel blessed that i now know the truth about him but sullen that i wasted over a year of my life on a lie. He had used me for an image to uphold just so no one would find out who he really is and then he destroyed my good nature. I feel broken and in mourning over a man that i had loved so unconditionally. Yet now I lie here trying to figure out a plan of action to get myself back to the woman unbroken. Another day, another sigh.